Reflections from a Physician During the COVID-19 Pandemic
The arrival of COVID-19 has sent ripples through our lives. It has changed the way we work, interact, respond and how we go about our daily lives. The present is unfolding in front of us so quickly that we tend to forget we are part of something which happens once every 100 years or more. Almost like a science fiction movie. Though all of us enjoy watching those movies, living it… not so much! Every day we wake up to new strategies, policies and plans which change by the time evening comes.
We feel invincible! After all, we tackled SARS, Ebola, Zika. We are facing something which is evolving fast, doesn’t discriminate race, gender, country borders or social boundaries. We are fighting with all we have and praying that it works. A few weeks ago, things were “normal”. Positive cases were just starting to show up in our hospital, but a lot more were under investigation. Emails were pouring in with information regarding our COVID-19, preparedness and policies for potential surge of patients.
I started to prepare by buying scrubs for the first time in 10 years. I was worried about exposing my two-year-old daughter. If one of us in a two-physician household gets exposed and quarantined, the other person can’t work either because of childcare. Next, a search for a babysitter began, a week before I started my in-patient service. I was ecstatic when I found one, a day before the daycare closed. Yippee!! My spouse and I got our “return home from work” routine down to the last detail. At work, the initial few days were spent coming up with strategies to manage our workflow and making sure we transitioned outpatients to telemedicine as smoothly as possible. Simultaneously, we needed to keep the team morale up while being up to date with the latest information. I would wipe down everything multiple times and change into fresh clothes before coming home. I would check my daughter’s temperature; every cough and sneeze would make me wonder.
More news poured in from my friends and ex-colleagues from New York City, that was my home for seven years. A mix of sad news and stories of courage exhibited by healthcare and frontline workers. Wading through rapidly published data and information on COVID-19 became a daily errand.
COVID-19 filled every empty space, encroached every conversation.Discussions with family, friends, work, patients, and social media were consumed with the subject. During my training period, I used to take pride in my ability to compartmentalize. I didn't want to ruminate after work in those precious few free hours. But now no more! This little microscopic clump of RNA encroached our lives and caused deaths all over the world. Casting aside my own feelings, I wonder how painful it must be for the patients battling this virus alone in the hospital. Enduring one of the most trying times in their lives without the love and support of their family. It’s simply heart breaking! Being alone at such a vulnerable time of one’s life is non quantifiable.
During this time someone asked me- what is the first thing you will do when this pandemic is over? To which I responded with
“I would like to stop thinking about it.”
I do not want to worry about placing a comforting hand over a patient’s shoulder, being able to meet friends, get playdates for my kid, or step out of the house without having to think about it.
As we go through our lives, with our goals, ambitions, plans, it is easy to lose track of why and what we are doing. In the words of a wise man “The most beautiful moments in life are moments when you are expressing your joy, not when you are seeking it.” It is so true in the current situation.I've been reflecting, and reassessing my priorities. Getting prepared for any kind of outcome if we lose our jobs, visa or finding a will executioner. Hoping for best and preparing for worst. I spoke with my parents, family and reached out to friends daily. Unlimited streaming services with binge watching shows have always been the best way to distract us. I spent more “quality” time with my daughter without distractions. So, despite gloomy news feeds out there, I enjoy my time with people who matter the most and are the reason to come back home. I used this time for self-care, yoga, and meditation and attempted to reflect calm onto others.
COVID-19 did recalibrate my personal, social, and work life as I knew it. It hits a pause and leaves us all humbled. We can use this opportunity to be “present”, indulge in self care and look out for things to change for better.
Anju Yadav MD FASN
Thomas Jefferson University, Philadelphia
@docanjuyadav